Crossing the great relationship divide

A growing number of Chinese men are looking to forge friendships with foreign women, and buck the cultural trend of 'marrying up'.

Even though she has lived in Beijing for several years, Cathie Watson still finds Chinese men a closed book. The 27-year-old from the United Kingdom says she is unable to read the signs or more accurately, many signs given off by Chinese men. "Quiet", "hard to reach out to" and "shy" are the words Watson uses to describe them.

However, a few Chinese men do go to the opposite extreme. Watson says total strangers have approached to ask for her phone number. "They hadn't even spoken with me, so how come they can they just ask for my phone number?"

Although Watson's impressions of Chinese men suggest a lack of engagement, an increasing number of them are becoming interested in meeting non-Chinese women with a view to long-term relationships.

Hu Yiqiang has set his heart on finding a non-Chinese wife or partner, mainly because he is frustrated at the demands made by Chinese women - a big house, a luxury car and a good job are the usual requirements cited by Chinese dates, Hu says, but that's not what he wants.

When he posted ads on the website of a famous Beijing lifestyle magazine, his sole intention was to find a wife from overseas.

The 31-year-old Hubei province native works as a street vendor, but he also owns an online shop that sells Chinese-themed travel souvenirs.

Hu met his first foreign girlfriend, a Norwegian, on the campus of Beijing Second Foreign Language University. "She asked me to move to Norway with her, but I was afraid of the chilly weather there," he says. "I was too young to take the chance."

Later a Japanese friend rejected his advances because of his low level of formal education.

Despite having been turned down by almost all the Chinese women he has dated a couple of times, Hu, who has adopted the English name David, remains optimistic about his chances in the marital lottery.

Ingrained obstacles

Wang Kunpeng, a Beijinger who works in the service department of a large multinational logistics company, has a clear idea of how hard it is for Chinese men to find wives from overseas.

"I see I'm not the only one looking for a different relationship," says Wang, whose English name is Martin. "Looking for a foreign wife is really not easy, and for a Chinese guy, it's almost the most difficult thing to achieve."

Wang's desire to marry a woman from overseas is partly motivated by competition with his sister, who married a Japanese man, and he has encountered many obstacles from home and abroad.

Still, he sees himself as being different from everyday Chinese men. "I began to listen to symphonies about six months ago, to immerse myself in their beauty. I now realize that the inner world I live in differs from my mom's, which is something I'm not really accustomed to," he says.

On weekends, Wang studies Japanese because his company is opening branches in the United States, France and Japan.

Despite Wang's apparently casual attitude, making a relationship last is hard work, according to one expert. "People who can manage a long-term relationship in multiple languages and cultures must have a special combination of intelligence, diligence and patience. I have great respect for them," says Roy Huggins, a professional counselor in Portland, Oregon.

Future imperfect

Roseann Lake, a China-based writer from the US, has interviewed many Chinese women. In her experience, one regular comment she hears is that Chinese men are not very proactive in the dating or courtship process, and the phrase habitually used about them is bu zhu dong, meaning they "don't take the initiative".

"I think that many, not all, but many Chinese men are looking for a wife with a domestic or introverted character, or at least a sense of security. This is changing, of course, but it has been such a dominant aspect in how wives have been chosen for such a long time, that remnants of this thinking are still prevalent," says Lake, who has lived in China for more than four years.

Andrea Bacon, 29, came to Beijing more than 18 months ago with her Chinese boyfriend. They met in 2010 while studying on a PhD exchange program in Philadelphia.

"We were in the same class, and his hard work and talent attracted me at first. Later, I discovered that he is more humble than any other man I've ever met, and I really began to notice him," says Bacon who works as a foreign expert in a state meteorological lab.

When she took the plunge and decided to accompany her boyfriend to Beijing, the challenge was huge, for both parties. "It became serious at that time, and we planned the next steps. Obviously, Beijing is quite a strange place for me and at the beginning he tried to go with me to lots of multicultural events so I could mingle in a familiar environment. I thought that was very sweet."

However, she admitted that her boyfriend's attitude is very Chinese and the problems that face all young people in the big city, such as buying a house, weigh heavily on him. "He always seems to be under some sort of pressure, but I care more about how well we get along with each other," she says.

Staying power

Most people in interracial relationships say they believe that good communication, trust and understanding are essential to make a relationship work. The hard part, however, lies within the institution of marriage that comes later.

According to Ming Li, a marriage counselor, 20 percent of the cases she deals with involve interracial marriages. "Once you've entered into the institution of marriage, no matter whether it's people from the same culture or a different one, it's better to stick with it to the end," she says.

For Huggins, who has provided long-term counseling for 10 interracial couples in the US and other countries since 2010, overcoming cultural differences is crucial to ensuring the longevity of a relationship.

"Based on academic studies and my experience with clients from Japan, Southeast Asia and a few from China, being from a collectivist culture, Chinese partners are likely to clash with American or other Western partners about responsibility to family and helping each other meet individual needs," he says.

"For example, a Chinese partner may think less of an American or Canadian partner who seems 'needy'."

While researching a recent article, It's Hard to Say 'I Love You' in Chinese, Lake discovered that Chinese men find it very hard to cross the boundary into uncharted territory and express their love in a direct way, even though they may be intensely in love with their partner or spouse.

The last word goes to Hu, whose ad read: "I won't care what jobs you did before. I won't care what you have done before, as long as it wasn't illegal and you have no criminal record, just as long as you will fall in love and marry me in the near future."

zhangyuchen@chinadaily.com.cn

(China Daily Africa Weekly 04/04/2014 page26)