Placing trust in children to forge their own path

Zhang Rong, 48, government worker in Beijing

My son has just finished the college entrance exam and is researching which university and what major he wants to study, all by himself.

At the age of 18, he is able to choose his own path and take responsibility for his life. We respect his opinions and only provide him with some guidance. We tell him about which majors would be good for his future career. He wants to work in research and technology, and prefers college majors related to science and engineering.

His father wanted him to study medicine, which he was not interested in. I discussed with him about the possibility of doctors being replaced by artificial intelligence and he shared his views. He said that doctors need to build trust with patients through face-to-face interactions, which is something AI may not be able to achieve. Without trust, one may not endorse the treatment plan. I think my son is insightful.

His father tends to be stricter with him. Sometimes, when it comes to studying, his dad feels he isn't putting in enough effort. But I think that our son has his own pace. His father simply aims to toughen him up, believing it will lead to certain outcomes. From what I've observed, that is partly because my son's grandfather is strict with his father. I believe my son is a relaxed child. I emphasize the importance of respecting his individuality and what he values.

I would like to seek my son's advice and opinions, as he is good at independent thinking. We don't have strict rules in our interactions. I'm amazed by his unique insights that are often beyond my expectations. I find myself often praising him, acknowledging his brilliance.

He is indeed an easygoing boy. For example, when he played the board game Go, he would calmly explain his moves to his opponents. He has a gentle personality and we have never pressured him to achieve specific goals. We don't force him, but we encourage him to strive for excellence.

He has many friends, some of whom are outstanding students. He may learn from some of his classmates' strengths but still maintains his own unique qualities. He may have classmates who don't perform as well academically, but he believes in their capabilities and thinks they will excel in the future. He is a child with great potential and sincerely appreciates the strengths of others. He acknowledges his own limitations, such as not delving as deeply into subjects as some of his peers. He has a good understanding of himself and his abilities.

Although we didn't push him excessively, the pressure from the surrounding parents and institutions was significant. While many families enrolled their children in extra classes, we did too, but not to the extreme levels of intensity. Not every child is suited for tutorial classes like Olympiad math. But if my child wasn't part of it, I felt like he would fall behind, leading to a culture of intense competition. However, we don't specifically push him to excel academically. Some parents went all out, enrolling their child in multiple classes across different levels, like advanced math classes.

In primary school, we focused on cultivating his interests and hobbies. He enjoyed playing Go, rugby, learning the piano and playing the trombone. These activities have helped him cope with stress and improve his mood.

During kindergarten and primary school, I would often take him on trips to explore and play with friends. When we went out, we visited various places, including remote and challenging locations. For example, we once traveled to Guizhou province, where we experienced activities like harvesting corn to understand different aspects of life. I also took him to rural areas to observe the countryside lifestyle. When we went abroad, I made sure to expose him to different cultures and experiences. That helped him relax and get his own insights and reflections.

Zhang Rong spoke with Li Hongyang.