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The way we were

By Raymond Zhou (China Daily)
Updated: 2008-12-18 07:45

How we dated

Thirty years ago, a good-looking guy would most likely sport an army jacket, sunglasses with the label still on them, and a Sanyo cassette tape recorder playing Hong Kong pop songs.

To meet a girl, however, he would need a matchmaker. If he simply walked up to a girl and asked for her name - few homes had phones then - he would probably be considered a "hooligan".

The dating ritual was complicated. Though marriages were no longer arranged by parents (at least not in urban areas), they still came under the jurisdiction of enthusiastic amateurs. Matchmakers - usually middle-aged women - took it upon themselves to bring their single relatives or colleagues together.

A recent graduate assigned to a workplace would soon be visited by such a colleague. Typically, she would ask what qualities you were looking for in a spouse, and would then go through her mental database. Often, she would share that "database" with like-minded, female friends. Soon a candidate would pop up and a meeting would be arranged.

The most likely locale for a first date would be a park, a movie theater, or a public library. The matchmaker might tag along on the first date. In any case, you would be expected to report the "result" to her. If you were satisfied, she would be happy for you; if not, she would pester you for a "reason".

The most baffling answer for a matchmaker was "She's very nice, but I don't want to go out with her again." That made her job difficult. If you gave this explanation a couple of times, you would be blacklisted and would not be given any more dates.

The matchmakers were good Samaritans, or busy-bodies, depending on your perspective. They were not in it for the money - a happy couple might give her a gift, but this was hardly compensation for all her effort and anxiety. Matchmakers were like Disney; they wanted to ensure "happily ever after" for everyone they knew.

In those days, there were few chances to meet new people. Many people dated colleagues from work. Long-distance relationships were common, because it was hard to relocate or change jobs. The art of writing love letters flourished.

Once two people clicked, they would spend years developing their relationship. A walk in the park, a chat in the living room, meeting their future in-laws and buying gifts for them dating was governed by strict rules, with little room for spontaneity. Premarital sex was taboo, and if discovered could have terrible consequences, such as losing your job.

In the mid-1980s, cities like Guangzhou began to see young lovers hugging or even kissing while sitting on their bikes. In smaller places, holding hands in public still drew frowns. But Guangzhou had dance clubs and "music teahouses", a predecessor to cafes and bars.

Today, all that is ancient history. With the Internet and vastly increased mobility, dating has grown much more spontaneous and efficient. The sphere of potential dates is as limitless as your MSN or QQ circle. Dating has jumped from antiquity to post-modern in just one generation.

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