All I want for Xmas

Dear Santa,

Well, it's been almost a year now and still no sign of that plasma TV I have asked you for three Yuletides in a row!

What's up with that, Lard Boy? If it's too big for the sleigh, simply mail it to me. I am sure they have FedEx up at the Pole, too.

Anyway, as I wait, and wait, and wait for my 65" 3D appliance, I have come up with a brilliant idea for this year's gift from you to me with love.

It is so cunningly simple that it won't cost any of your elves a moment of work or take up any space on your flying sled.

All I want you to do for me this Christmas is call up Sepp Blatter and get him to put me on FIFA's Executive Committee, or as the dudes who are already on it love to say, "Exco".

I know I'm probably a little young (less than 60), and don't have a great soccer background (Newcastle fan), but you are a man of great influence. Pull some strings, Fatty. After all it's the least you can do after three non-TVs in a row.

As far as I see it, being a member of the Exco (boy, that has a nice ring to it), would make every day seem like Christmas Day in World Cup bidding season.

Princes, presidents, prime ministers and some very rich and famous people would fly me all around the world, wine and dine me and give me lovely gifts as they explain why their country is ideal to host the Cup.

I will listen attentively to the king of Tonga, nod my head sagely as I schlep down more wine and oysters at the poolside of his palatial abode and, when his pleading presentation for my solitary vote is over, say: "I do like your wife's pearl necklace, do you know where I can acquire one?"

Under the gun, the prez has that thing in my hand in a jiffy and I'm then off on my next "fact-finding" or "bid appraisal" mission.

Of course, I will tell all my hosts how wonderful their bids are and that they can truly rely on my vote ho, ho, ho, as you say.

Yeah, I know there's the business end of proceedings to attend to, but that's usually just a nice weekend in Zurich where all the Exco members come together, compare gifts and travel tales before voting for the country with the most oil, or gold, or diamonds.

OK, Big Belly, get cracking now. Remember, as I told you before, I know where you stable the reindeer and I love the taste of venison.

Yours expectantly,

Tym Glaser

Tym Glaser is a sports copy editor who is willing to set up a retirement home for Boston players after this year's competition. He can be contacted at tymglaser@hotmail.com.

(China Daily 12/12/2010 page8)