Toilet humor no joke for technically challenged

Three years in Tokyo, four, so far, in Beijing. Differences? More pointed chopsticks in Tokyo. Cheaper, much cheaper, taxis in Beijing. Lunches are louder, more fun and have greater significance in Beijing, whereas the evening meal in Tokyo offers an opportunity to unwind. And, of course, toilets.

The relief, the apt word in the circumstances, I felt upon departing from Narita after 1,000 days in Japan that I would never have to face the conundrum of solving the what-do-I-do-next flush blush again was overwhelming. But your past always catches up with you, and it's a case of deja vu in the loo as manufacturers of Japanese-style toilet seats, ironically many of them made in China, are flushed with success as sales in China rise.

To the blissfully unaware, these value-added, high-end seats come with a command panel that requires a clarity of thought and command of technology not normally associated with the most private of moments. They induce a genuine wonderment that so many things can be necessary with what until now had been a rather straightforward process. They landed men on the moon with less intricate controls. "4, 3, 2, 1, cleared for launch" quickly followed by the realization that "Houston, we have a problem".