Murphy's Law drives me totally crazy

By Patrick Whiteley ( China Daily ) Updated: 2007-01-04 21:46:17

A 100-question knowledge test is the foreigner's gateway to a Chinese driver's licence, but the all-important paperwork needs to be in order.

For impatient "need-it-now" novices, this paper trail can lead to many dead-ends. If you want a ticket to ride in the Middle Kingdom, heed the words of someone who has been there and failed that.

I always live by Murphy's Law. If something can go wrong, it will. The glass is not half full, or half empty, it's poisoned. This attitude makes living in China a sheer delight, because most things go unexpectedly right. When they don't, I am ready for it. My driving ambition, however, had Murphy stamped all over it.

The checklist includes: passport, residence permit, original driver's licence, medical certificate, and five photographs. Get the photos first. I went to the hospital for my medical certificate first only to be sent away to get the photos.

The 2.5cmx2.5cm happy snaps must have white backgrounds. I chose blue, because it was my favorite color, but this was a time-wasting mistake. Also take note of photo size. This is not passport size, it is smaller. Got this wrong too.

Take one picture to a hospital or doctor, for the medical certificate. The eye chart features the capital Es in different sizes and positions on different lines. The color vision test involves distinguishing between green and red within mosaic patterns.

The next step is the foreign office of the branch of the traffic administration department of public security. At the counter, a traffic police officer asks me to write my token Chinese name in Chinese. I had never done this before, and struggle, but write Bai Li Cheng (White-ley honestly).

I book my test and have two weeks to study the road rules. The rules book cannot be purchased at this office. The only place in Beijing to buy the exam reference manual is the FESCO office, in the Beijing CBD.

I take a 50-yuan ($6.4) taxi ride and buy the 150-yuan ($19) book.

It has 1,000 questions about laws, signs, highway driving, penalties, accident procedures, licence details, safety, first aid and guidelines for "civil" behaviour. I have to understand Chinese road sign characters for goodness sake, and I can't even write my name. Then there are questions like this: When other drivers correct you, you should:

(a) learn modestly and accept the opinion seriously;

(b) not listen, and

(c) accept but not try to improve.

On Australian roads, a driver's correction sounds like this. Get the blank out of the blank blank way you blank, blank, blank. The answer is (b).

Next. For an open abdominal wound, such as protrusion of the small intestine tube, we should:

(a) put it back;

(b) no treatment,

(c) not put it back, but cover it with a bowl or jar, and bind it with a cloth belt.

Who do they think I am? A stomach surgeon ? Must be (b).

I sit the computer test with 50 other "foreigners", who are mostly Chinese with foreign passports. It's a 45-minute test and one guy finishes in a quarter of an hour. He passes because a little smiley face pops up on screen if an examinee is successful.

A sad face pops up on my screen. I score 88, two questions short of a pass mark. I'm absolutely delighted. I know exactly the two questions I need to revisit.

(China Daily 01/04/2007 page20)