Opening up about the salty snack that left a big chip on my shoulder

By Patrick Whiteley ( China Daily ) Updated: 2007-06-12 13:47:08

China's opening-up policy has done wonders for the economy and is now transforming the Middle Kingdom into a world super power. However there is one industry that has failed to adopt a successful opening-up strategy: the one devoted to making those tasty and tormenting packets of potato chips.

Opening up about the salty snack that left a big chip on my shoulder Chinese chip packets are so tightly sealed it's impossible to open them by hand. I always need a metal tool to pry them apart. It's so frustrating.

Salted potato chips flavored with chicken, beef, Indian curry and salt and vinegar are all pretty special. There is intense flavor, the crunchy sound is delicious in itself and there is a little bit of nutritional substance. After all, they are made from potato - the West's staple version of rice.

In China there are many different varieties: chicken, tomato pepper, tropical seafood and my favorite - the Sichuan hot pot type.

Chip packets are communal. Tear one open, place it on a table at a bar and friends can pick away. And no chopsticks are needed.

My brother used to grab one big chip at a time and would lick them profusely. I preferred to grab at least four or five large chippies and load them into my gob.

But here in China, chipmakers must have used a super adhesive and a special air vacuum technique that makes a packet virtually impregnable. I find it impossible to open a packet manually. I can't even bite the packet open and I have notoriously sharp fangs.

I often use my cigarette lighter to burn a hole in the packet to release the pressure before I can pry them open. Maybe if I join the Shaolin monks and start meditating to strengthen my inner chi, I could open them with my fingers.

I've tried popping them open but this technique once ruined a romantic encounter.

My date and I were about to watch Lou Ferringo's Sinbad of the Seven Seas (a very highly under-rated movie) and beef barbecue chips were the perfect snack for a perfect night in.

But the packet wouldn't open. What a wimp. What girl would be interested in a guy who couldn't open a packet of chips?

As a kid I would pop a packet open by slapping on its sides. My date and I were sitting on a sofa and I slapped my hands on the packet. Boom! The almighty bang rivalled any Chinese New Year cracker and the whole contents spayed into the air.

Like all traumatic experiences, I viewed the event in slow motion. Beef barbecue chips filled the air like duck feathers bursting out of a pillowcase during a wild lounge room fight.

"Noooooooo!" I screamed.

I tried in vain to protect my date but it was too late. She took a direct hit, and was covered in chip fragments.

It kind of ruined the mood.

All I could do, like I have done many times, was curse those damn chip packets.

We sat in silence watching Sinbad and his merry adventurers: Can-Tu, the Chinese warrior, a Viking guy, Prince Ali, a bald cook and Poochie the dwarf. It was a much dumber movie than I had thought.

(China Daily 06/12/2007 page20)