Donate now, and save a small tot's ego

There are causes and there are causes. As in, for every social movement like USA for Africa or Live Earth, there's something like Pitch Correction for Ashlee Simpson or Won't Someone Think of a Fulfilling Post-UN Job for Kofi Annan. Well, I've got one that requires urgent attention, dear readers. One that arose from an epiphany I had at the Summer Palace.

I want everyone reading this, who claims to have a beating heart within their chest, to give generously to the Helping Small White Children Psychologically Re-Adapt to Their Countries of Origin Where They Will Not Be Mobbed Society (HSWCPRTCOWTWNBMS). It's a long title, sure, but its been a long time coming - too long.

How many more small white children have to return to places like the United States, Australia, England, Sweden, France or - God forbid - New Zealand, only to have their little egos crushed by a scarcity of gawkers? One minute they have hundreds lining up to take photos with them as if they're an Olsen twin and the next they are just like any other Wiggles-loving little schmuck.

Standing at the Summer Palace being swamped by hoards of touchy-feely onlookers as I carried my young nephew in a Baby Bjorn (tiny human carrying device that adults strap to themselves), I began to imagine what was happening inside the mind of my precious cargo.

There he was adored like Keith Richards (except for the drugs and stuff) on tour, but once he's back on home soil he'll feel like, at best, a member of Creed. We at HSWCPRTCOWTWNBMS don't want any white child to ever have to feel like a member of Creed. We want them to feel wanted, maybe not like Bret Michaels from Poison, but more like Fred Savage, the Wonder Years guy.

Funnily enough, Fred Savage is a board member of HSWCPRTCOWTWNBMS, so too is Christopher Shields of Blue Lagoon fame, Macaulay Culkin (his family is a primary sponsor) Jimmy Workman a.k.a. Pugsley Addams and Peter Ostrum - the original Charlie from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

These are all people who touched the sun as tots only to have their wings melt after their bodies stretched beyond 5 feet. Empathy is after all, the greatest form of understanding, and if anyone knows how it feels to have throng after throng of admirers clamor for a photo of you while visiting foreign lands, it's these guys.

"I just want to help out," Savage told me once on the phone from his clandestine, patriot missile-protected Nevada range. "Back when I was playing Kevin Arnold, I had imprints on my cheeks from where strangers would squeeze them. That's not fair, especially when they're not paying for the privilege of touching my face."

Just a dollar a day (US currency preferred) will help white children from all over the world whose self confidence suffers as soon as their return flight from China touches the tarmac. Come on dear readers, cough up for the little bundles of joy that cough up all over us every day and ask for nothing in return.

(China Daily 08/16/2007 page20)