A brilliant casting idea: Yao Ming as Confucius

While the Olympic Games were on, entertainment stars played second fiddle, dutifully sitting in the backseat trying not to upstage the athletes. When harassed by reporters, some of them rattled off a list of medal winners as favorite potentials for dates.

Zhao Wei is said to have had a fling with table tennis star Wang Liqin, and entertainment reporters asked the usual philosophical questions: "Is your love providing him impetus?" or "He's not doing well at the Games. Is it because he's jilted in love?"

That, to me, is an epiphany: Give me 51 entertainment celebrities, and I'll give you 51 gold-medal Olympians. My secret is to have the stars date the athletes, and the latter will be so motivated they'll break world records in no time.

Speaking of stars, Liu Xiang is reported to be seriously considering offers from several record companies. Liu has

always harbored some kind of dream to be a pop singer and I don't blame him. It's so much easier to warble a few notes. In terms of cost benefit, though, a big-name singer can bring in several times more money than a celebrity athlete given the same amount of talent and effort. Besides, you don't need to walk off the stage if you hurt your throat and are unable to hit a note. You can always lip-sync. But if you hurt your Achilles heel, millions will curse you for not living up to their dream.

Why shouldn't Liu Xiang be making hundreds of millions? We have dozens of copycat singers, but we have only one Liu Xiang.

On second thoughts, Michael Phelps makes far less than a third-rate Hollywood movie star. So, his fans would say the world is not fair. That's why here in China the poor send their kids to athlete schools while the rich send theirs to the film academy.

After a wildly successful Opening Ceremony, master filmmaker Zhang Yimou is on cloud nine. He is on the shortlist for the upcoming bio-pic Confucius, not as the director, but as the actor who will play the old master. The rationale? "One national treasure impersonating another," says director Chen Han, who is obviously better at orchestrating marketing stunts than kungfu stunts.

Actually, the only celebrity candidate for the role of Confucius should be Yao Ming. According to historical archives, Confucius was 2.21 meters tall. A pity basketball had not been invented then. He could have beaten all the scholars and dukes and kings of the miniature kingdoms that he and his disciples toured and lectured.

In that case, the "Writing" number in the Opening Ceremony should not have featured thousands of Confucius look-alikes with bamboo books in hand, but each with a basketball and all playing in unison.

What a sight! I bet even Michael Jordan would have been impressed.

Hu Deman, legendary Beijing crosstalker and confidante to China's biggest celebrities, was talking to Raymond Zhou

(China Daily 08/29/2008 page18)